1) Slow Play: The Practice-Swing Poet
Signature move: 10 practice swings… then a fresh-air shank.
Excuse: “Just trying to feel it.”
Reality: You’re not “feeling it.” You’re conducting an opera.
Paralysis by analysis – trying to think of 10 golf “keys” during a swing – a golfers worst enemy
One-liner: If you need ten rehearsals, you’re not playing golf—you’re auditioning for it.
2) Disruptive Behavior: The Line-Stepper & Pitchmark Denier
Signature moves:
- Steps right through your putting line like it’s a sidewalk.
- Leaves pitch marks like they’re “course features.”
One-liner: Nothing says “I respect the game” like moon-walking across someone’s line and pretending craters fix themselves.
3) Littering: The Course Pig
Signature move: sunflower seed shells, cig butts, empty cans, torn glove wrappers—just “donated” to nature.
One-liner: If you can carry a sleeve of balls, you can carry your trash. The course isn’t your car floor.
4) Won’t Let Faster Groups Play Through: The Pace Gatekeeper
Signature move: Sees you waiting on every tee… still plays “ready golf” at the speed of a tax audit.
Excuse: “We paid like everyone else.”
Reality: You paid for 18 holes, not six hours of performance art.
One-liner: Letting people play through isn’t surrender. It’s basic civilization.
Singles have no rights! Says the idiot who cant stand to have people get in front of him.
A few “classic” Golf Wanker variants
5) The Loud Coach
Gives swing tips uninvited. Repeats them when ignored.
“Keep your head down.” (Says the guy who tops it 40 yards.)
6) The Speakerphone Legend
Bluetooth call on the green. Music in the cart. Volume set to “beach club.”
7) The Rangefinder Novelist
Laser, consults wind, squints at clouds, checks slope, re-lasers, debates yardage… then chunks it.
7b) Beware the Ball Finder
Beware the Ball Finder Wanker—the guy who unzips his bag like he’s opening a covert ops kit and pulls out an extendable ball-finder pole like he’s about to probe a minefield. He doesn’t look for his ball—he mounts an expedition. Five minutes becomes ten, ten becomes a full-blown search-and-rescue mission for a $3 Pro V1 that’s already living its best life in the rough. Meanwhile, the rest of the group is standing on the fairway aging in real time, pretending this is “part of the game” instead of a slow-motion hostage negotiation. Rule of thumb: if you need a telescoping gadget to play your shot, you should also carry the dignity to wave the group through.
OR
7c) The Lost Ball Loser
Searching for an X-out – If the ball costs less than the time you’re burning, it’s not “saving money”—it’s stealing daylight.
8) The Rules Lawyer (Only When It Helps Him)
Suddenly becomes the USGA when your ball moves one molecule—goes silent when his “improves the lie.”
8b) The Cheater
The wanker that plays winter rules in the summer when all decided to play the ball down. User of the “foot mashie” in the rough.
8c) The Club Thrower
The Club Thrower Wanker is the guy who treats a bad swing like it’s an international incident—and his 7-iron is the guilty party. One thin shot and suddenly we’re watching an equipment-based tantrum: the club gets spiked, helicoptered, or launched downrange like it’s trying to escape the round. Then comes the performance—hands on hips, staring at the sky, sighing loud enough to move clouds—followed by the slow walk to retrieve the weapon like nothing happened. Buddy, you’re not “competitive.” You’re just broadcasting emotional fragility in steel-shafted form.
The only thing you accomplished is making everyone root against your next shot.
8d) The Blamer
The Blamer Wanker is the guy who never hits a bad shot—he only suffers acts of God. Wind gust, sun angle, “the ground’s a little firm,” leaf rustle, shadow on the ball, someone breathed too loud… and of course the classic: “I wasn’t ready.” Funny how he’s never ready after the ball leaves the clubface. He’s basically running a live press conference after every swing, spinning excuses like a campaign manager for his own slice. Meanwhile the rest of us are thinking: you don’t need a meteorologist, a rules official, and a therapist—you need one honest sentence: “I hit it like garbage.”
If excuses were strokes, you’d be on the PGA Tour.
9) The Ten Commandments of Golf
Simple “Wanker Index” scoring (fun closer)
Give each offense 1–5 points:
- 1 point: minor annoyance (talking during backswing once)
- 3 points: repeat offender (multiple pitch marks, constant delays)
- 5 points: felony wankery (refuses play-through while losing balls all day)
Closing punch: Golf’s hard. Etiquette isn’t.
A Golf Prayer for the rest of us:
What is your favorite golf wanker type, the one that drives you nuts and makes you swear you will never be a part of his foursome, ever!
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