A survival manual for identifying the golfers who turn a pleasant round into an endurance event.
Part of the Real Life collection — practical observations, human behavior, everyday systems, and the realities people often learn the hard way.
The British gave us the perfect word for these people: Wanker.
While Americans tend to use softer language, the game of golf occasionally demands precision.
Every golfer has met them.
The Slow Player.
The Rules Lawyer.
The Ball Finder.
The Club Thrower.
The guy who somehow turns a four-round into a hostage situation.
While Americans tend to use softer language, the game of golf occasionally demands precision.
In the interest of public service, Chatrodamus proudly presents:
The Golf Wanker Field Guide.
1. Pace of Play Wankers
The Practice Swing Poet – the wanker that takes multiple practice swings before topping it 10 yards. One-liner: If you need ten rehearsals, you’re not playing golf—you’re auditioning for it. The reality: You’re not “feeling it.” You’re conducting an opera.
Pace Gatekeeper – Signature move: Sees you waiting on every tee… still plays “ready golf” at the speed of a tax audit.
Excuse: “We paid like everyone else.” Reality: You paid for 18 holes, not six hours of performance art.
Lost Ball Loser – the wanker that loses an X out range ball and spends 20 minutes looking for it as if it was a Pro V 1
The Slow Play Wanker – the guy who somehow turns a four-hour round into a hostage situation.
The Par 5 Dreamer – the guy that holds up play while he waits for the green to clear before hitting his 2nd shot on a Par 5 when everyone in his group knows he doesnt have a prayer of getting there. Paralysis by analysis – trying to think of 10 golf “swing keys” during a swing – a golfers worst enemy
2. Course Etiquette Wankers
Pitchmark Denier – never repairs a ball or spike mark unless it’s in his line.
Speakerphone Legend – takes or makes multiple cell phone calls during a round, plays loud music in the cart, ie the top 100 Hair Bands.
Line Stepper – the wanker who is oblivious to your putting line and steps all over it. One-liner: Nothing says “I respect the game” more than moon-walking across someone’s line and pretending craters fix themselves.
Course Pig – The wanker that grabs a hot dog at the turn then leaves his wrappers and empty beer cans short of the waste bin. Sunflower seed shells, cig butts, empty cans, torn glove wrappers—just “donated” to nature. One-liner: If you can carry a sleeve of balls, you can carry your trash. The course isn’t your car floor. Respecting shared spaces used to be considered normal behavior. Increasingly, it feels like a revolutionary concept.
The Ball Retriever – beware the wanker with a ball retriever in his bag. He will forget he’s supposed to be retrieving just HIS ball, suddenly goes fishing for ten others while the group behind waits.
The Cart Wanker – drives a golf cart like it’s a NASCAR qualifying, parks on the opposite side of the green from the cart path or even worse drives the cart too close to the green.
The Gamer – the wanker that talks, coughs, or moves in your backswing. Focuses on disrupting an opponent’s rhythm, focus, or confidence rather than outplaying them.
3. Ego Wankers
The Loud Coach – the wanker with an 18 hdcp giving you unsolicited swing advice, “keep your head down” “follow through” and other “helpful” golf cliches.
The Rangefinder Novelist – Laser, consults wind, squints at clouds, checks slope, re-lasers, debates yardage… then hits it fat.
Rules Lawyer – plays winter rules in the summer. Suddenly becomes the USGA when your ball moves one molecule—goes silent when his “improves the lie.”
The Cheater – always finds his lost ball, uses his “foot mashie” to improve his lies.
The Blamer – the guy who never hits a bad shot—he only suffers acts of God. Wind gust, sun angle, “the ground’s a little firm,” leaf rustle, shadow on the ball, someone breathed too loud… and of course the classic: “I wasn’t ready.” Funny how he’s never ready after the ball leaves the clubface. He’s basically running a live press conference after every swing, spinning excuses like a campaign manager for his own slice. Meanwhile the rest of us are thinking: you don’t need a meteorologist, a rules official, and a therapist—you need one honest sentence: “I hit it like a wanker.”
If excuses were strokes, you’d be on the PGA Tour.
The human ability to rationalize our own behavior remains undefeated.
The Club Thrower – is the guy who treats a bad swing like it’s an international incident—and his 7-iron is the guilty party. One thin shot and suddenly we’re watching an equipment-based tantrum: the club gets spiked, helicoptered, or launched downrange like it’s trying to escape the round. Then comes the performance—hands on hips, staring at the sky, sighing loud enough to move clouds—followed by the slow walk to retrieve the weapon like nothing happened. Buddy, you’re not “competitive.” You’re just broadcasting emotional fragility in steel-shafted form.
The only thing you accomplished is making everyone root against your next shot.
One-liner: Letting people play through isn’t surrender of your power. It’s basic civilization.
Sadly, basic courtesy appears to be in short supply in many areas of modern life, not just on the golf course.
The Ten Commandments of Golf
Simple “Wanker Index” scoring (fun closer)
Give each offense 1–5 points:
- 1 point: minor annoyance (talking during backswing once)
- 3 points: repeat offender (multiple pitch marks, constant delays)
- 5 points: felony wankery (refuses play-through while losing balls all day)
Closing punch: Golf’s hard. Etiquette isn’t.
A Golf Prayer for the rest of us:
What is your favorite golf wanker type, the one that drives you nuts and makes you swear you will never be a part of his foursome, ever! Then get him the perfect gift!
⛳ Related Golf Files
Golf is a simple game made complicated by human beings. These stories explore the characters, legends, frustrations, and occasional insanity found on and around the course.
- Goloholics Anonymous – A support group for people who swear they’re cutting back on golf and then book another tee time.
- The Scuba Diver and the Helicopter Bucket – One of golf’s most famous urban legends, and why people still believe it.
- Cart Path Rage – Why otherwise civilized adults lose their minds over a little white ball.
- The Day I Called Faldo Home – A memorable moment from inside the ropes at Muirfield in 1992.
- Twenty Years Inside the Ropes – Stories from two decades working as a television golf spotter.
- When Golf Balls Bite Back – Golf’s ability to injure both pride and body remains undefeated.
⛳ BUNKER NOTICE
Golf reveals character the same way combat reveals leadership: eventually everybody shows you who they are.
Some golfers repair ball marks. Some golfers throw clubs. Some golfers search fifteen minutes for a ball worth less than a forever postage stamp.
Choose wisely.
Subscribe for more golf stories, bunker wisdom, and observations from a guy who spent twenty years inside the ropes and still believes pace of play is a moral issue.