Handy gauges for measuring modern nonsense before it reaches critical mass.

We live in an age where everything is measured.

Steps.

Calories.

Credit scores.

Followers.

Engagement.

Carbon footprints.

Sleep quality.

Heart rate.

Stress levels.

Yet somehow nobody has developed a reliable way to measure the things that actually drive people crazy.

Until now.

Welcome to the Chatrodamus Meters Department.

Our crack team of highly unqualified experts has spent minutes developing a series of precision instruments designed to monitor the growing levels of nonsense in modern society.

The following readings should be considered scientifically questionable but emotionally accurate.

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Meter #1

The Bullshit Detector™

Scale

• Hype
• Spin
• Gaslight
• Full Load

Current Reading

Gaslight

Mask optional. Respirators recommended.

Explanation

This meter is calibrated to detect the distance between what is being said and what is actually happening.

Recent readings suggest the needle has become permanently lodged somewhere between “public relations statement” and “complete fantasy.”

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Modern outrage often relies more on performance than sincerity, a theme explored in The Fake Outrage Problem.

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Meter #2

The Troll Detector™

Scale

• Annoyed
• Feeding
• Full Troll
• Do Not Engage

Current Reading

Do Not Engage

Explanation

A valuable tool for social media users.

When readings exceed 80%, experts recommend placing the phone face-down and returning to activities involving actual human beings.

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Meter #3

The Scam Detector™

Scale

• Meh
• Sketchy
• Red Flags
• Nigerian Prince

Current Reading

Nigerian Prince

Explanation

Common symptoms include:

• Guaranteed returns
• Limited-time offers
• Celebrity endorsements
• Requests for gift cards

If all four appear simultaneously, seek adult supervision.

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Meter #4

The Outrage-O-Meter™

Scale

• Concern
• Warm Take
• Hot Take
• Keyboard Meltdown

Current Reading

Hot Take

Explanation

The Outrage-O-Meter measures the distance between a minor inconvenience and a full-scale internet war.

For some people, outrage isn’t a reaction—it’s a permanent operating system. That’s the subject of The Permanent Outrage Personality Problem.

Current readings suggest society remains one tweet away from total detonation.

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Meter #5

Virtue Signal Gauge™

Scale

• Quiet Good
• Yard Sign
• Hashtag
• Halo Wi-Fi

Current Reading

Hashtag

Explanation

This instrument detects the ratio between public declarations and actual effort.

Scientists continue to study whether posting counts as cardio.

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Meter #6

Common Sense Barometer™

Scale

• Clear
• Patchy
• Dense Fog
• Driving Off a Cliff

Current Reading

Patchy

Explanation

Visibility remains limited.

The shortage of common sense isn’t confined to politics. It’s increasingly visible across media, culture, and social platforms, contributing to what I call The Lefties Losing It Effect.

Travelers are advised to proceed carefully and verify facts before forwarding them to 5,000 Facebook friends.

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Meter #7

Karen Meter™

Scale

• Curious
• Concerned
• Manager Requested
• Yelp Spell Activated

Current Reading

Manager Requested

Explanation

Store personnel have been advised to remain calm and avoid sudden movements.

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Final Reading

The Chatrodamus Meter Network will continue monitoring conditions.

At present:

• Bullshit levels remain elevated.
• Troll activity remains active.
• Outrage remains abundant.
• Common sense remains endangered.

We will issue updates whenever reality becomes even less believable than satire.

For additional field reports from the front lines of modern absurdity, visit the Loser Fatigue Hub, where outrage, performance, and public behavior are tracked with slightly fewer gauges and slightly more words.

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