A recovery program for people who keep ‘recovering’ from the game.”
There is no cure, only rain delays – the 18 Steps are only a long Par 5 joke!
Golfoholics Anonymous (GA): The 18 Steps
- We admitted we were powerless over golf- with a grin.
- Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore our swing… preferably a golf psychologist or an expensive crotch hook.
- Turned our will over to the Golf Gods and immediately regretted it. Member bounces are for members only
- Made a fearless inventory of our game and found nothing but “swing thoughts.” keeping us awake at night
- Admitted to lying about the age old question “what did you shoot?”
- Admitted we were ready to stop improving our lies with the foot-mashi or find our lost ball with a spare ball from our pocket.
- Humbly asked the pro shop for mercy after showing up 3 minutes late.
- Made a list of all greens we’ve scarred and became willing to fix at least one ball mark per hole.
- Made direct amends—except when doing so would impact our net handicap.
- Continued to take scorecard inventory and, when we were wrong, blamed the wind, the heat, the rain, or another player.
- Sought through range bucket blisters and YouTube videos to improve our contact; praying only for straight shots and good distance.
- Having had a spiritual awakening at the 19th hole, we carried this message to other hacks and practiced these principles on weekdays, holidays, and funerals (if the tee time was booked first).
- Agree with Lee Trevino – only two that can hit a one-iron, Jack Nicklaus and God.
- Agree to Never practice gamesmenship, moving around just out of eyeshot, or asking another player “do you inhale or exhale during your backswing?”
- Agree to not encourage “worm burners” (balls hit on the ground) to “run like an open sore”
- Agree not to comment on a putt that falls short, Nice lag Alice! Or “there’s still meat on that bone”
- Admit we sandbagged our handicap by “forgetting” to turn in our low scores”
- Admit we picked up a stray ball and fibbed about it to the player looking for it.
Self-assessment (YES/NO minis)
Scoring: 0–1 = Range Hero; 2–3 = Weekend Weapon; 4–5 = Certified Sandbagger.
Chatrodamus • Sports Drama • Golfoholics Anonymous
GA Reality Check
There is no recovery or cure from golf addiction—it’s too much fun to quit unless you’re injured, too ill to play, or finally surrendered to the frustration.
We don’t get “sober.” We get tee times.
For Wives & Girlfriends of Golfoholics (Field Guide)
A compassionate (and slightly exasperated) resource for those who live with a human divot tool.
What you endure
- Calendar Camouflage: “Family Time” mysteriously translates to “7:12 a.m. tee time.”
- Laundry Archeology: Ball markers, tees, and a small beach worth of bunker sand in every pocket.
- Vacation Re-routing: “That botanical garden looks lovely… and happens to be beside a top-100 course.”
- Meteorology Minor: Hourly checks of wind, humidity, and “feels like birdie.”
- Launch-Monitor Love: Anniversary gift ideas include a new rangefinder and “more forgiveness” (in the irons).
- Selective Hearing: Can’t hear “take out the trash,” instantly hears “two-for-one twilight.”
Coping strategies (totally unlicensed)
- Leverage the 19th: “Yes, dear, after you fix that patio umbrella and book dinner, enjoy your ‘spiritual awakening.’”
- Scorecard Economics: One “new wedge” = one “new spa day.” Balance is par.
- Join ‘Em Lite: Nine holes + cart cameo = quality time with built-in snack service.
- Language Lessons: “We’re lying two” means “We’ll be home late.” Plan accordingly.
Chatrodamus Favorite Golf Joke
You should always try before you buy, especially when buying a driver. Never buy one until you’ve seen how far you can throw it.
Loved this funny story about a lady spectator at a junior event: it had recently rained and the fairways were a bit mushy, the 90 degree rule was in effect for golf carts in the fairway, the lady comments, If the temperature gets above 90 degrees do the players stop?
Got a cleaner, meaner one-liner? A funny golf story? Drop your best golf joke in the comments—bonus points if it’s fit for the clubhouse wall.
Share yours ↓
Bunker Notice
Opinions are my own, jokes fly low, and the fairway truth hurts. If you’re new here, subscribe to the Dispatch so you don’t miss the next hot take.