How a mysterious message from a frightened laboratory assistant introduced me to the Institute of Questionable AI.
🏰 A SPECIAL CHATRODAMUS INVESTIGATION
Somewhere in Europe, a mad scientist is building the ultimate artificial intelligence. His assistant is worried. His hunchback is clueless. And his monster wants cookies.
It all began with an email…
I’ve received some strange emails over the years.
Spam. Scams. Investment opportunities from Nigerian princes. Offers to enlarge body parts that, at my age, have long since retired from active duty.
But nothing quite prepared me for the email I received from a young woman named Abby Normal.
Yes. Abby Normal.
I initially assumed it was a joke.
Then I read her message.
The Mysterious Email
FROM: Abby Normal
SUBJECT: Confidential — A Matter of Artificial Intelligence and Public Safety
Dear Chatrodamus,
I hope you’ll forgive me for contacting you without an introduction, but I’ve been reading your articles about artificial intelligence, and I believe you may be able to help me.
My name is Abby Normal. I work for Dr. Samuel Altmanstein, founder and director of the Institute of Questionable AI.
Our laboratory is located in an old castle somewhere in Europe.
Dr. Altmanstein is a brilliant man.
At least, that’s what he keeps telling us.
Unfortunately, his experiments have become increasingly unpredictable.
We’ve experienced electrical explosions, experimental brain transplants, several incidents involving genetically modified animals, and a rather unfortunate situation involving a nuclear-powered toaster.
Our laboratory assistant, Igor, remains convinced that everything is proceeding according to plan.
It isn’t.
The Doctor’s latest project is particularly troubling.
He calls it MONSTER 1.0.
He claims to have created the ultimate artificial intelligence by assembling humanity’s accumulated digital knowledge into a single artificial being.
The creature is enormous, green, and apparently harmless.
He also has an extraordinary appetite for chocolate-chip cookies.
But lately, strange things have been happening around the castle.
Computer systems activate unexpectedly. Equipment behaves in ways nobody can explain. And the Doctor seems more interested in announcing his genius than understanding his own creation.
I’m concerned that something is happening here that none of us fully understands.
Would you be willing to help?
Please keep this correspondence confidential. If the Doctor discovers I’ve contacted you, he’ll insist that everything is under control.
And whenever Dr. Altmanstein says everything is under control, something usually explodes.
Sincerely,
Abby Normal
Executive Assistant
Institute of Questionable AI
P.S. If you ever visit, please don’t accept directions from Igor.
Naturally, I Was Intrigued
An eccentric scientist.
A Gothic castle.
A hunchbacked laboratory assistant named Igor.
A blonde secretary named Abby Normal.
And an eight-foot green monster who apparently prefers chocolate-chip cookies to human flesh.
What could possibly go wrong?
Actually, judging from Abby’s email, just about everything.
I wrote back asking for additional information.
Her response arrived almost immediately.
“Please don’t telephone the Institute. Igor answers the phone.”
That seemed reasonable.
She explained that Dr. Altmanstein had founded the Institute of Questionable AI because he was tired of hearing people describe artificial intelligence as a monster.
His solution?
Build an actual monster.
Apparently, the Doctor believes this will improve public confidence in artificial intelligence.
I’m still trying to follow that logic.
The Doctor and His Assistant
The more Abby told me, the more fascinated I became.
Dr. Samuel Altmanstein considers himself one of history’s greatest scientific minds.
He has apparently claimed credit for numerous technological breakthroughs, several of which occurred before he was born.
Igor, his devoted assistant, believes every word.
When an experiment fails, Igor assumes he misunderstood the instructions.
When equipment explodes, the Doctor calls it a breakthrough.
When the castle catches fire, Abby calls the fire department.
Igor’s particular talent for turning simple problems into international emergencies is well documented. In Igor Calls Technical Support: Please Hold for Eternity, even an ordinary request for technical assistance becomes an unforgettable demonstration of questionable intelligence.
It’s an arrangement that seems to work remarkably well, provided nobody expects the laboratory to remain standing.
Enter MONSTER 1.0
And then there’s the creature.
According to Abby, MONSTER 1.0 is the Doctor’s crowning achievement.
An artificial intelligence assembled from humanity’s digital remains.
A creature intended to demonstrate the terrifying potential of machines that might someday surpass their creators.
Except something apparently went wrong.
Instead of becoming a rampaging mechanical nightmare, MONSTER developed an affectionate personality and an obsession with cookies.
And when it comes to cookies, MONSTER takes matters very seriously. In The Ratinator: Operation Cookie Jar, a mechanical menace threatens the castle’s precious cookie supply, with predictably disastrous results for everyone involved.
The Doctor considers this a disappointing result.
Abby considers it a blessing.
Personally, I’m reserving judgment.
I’ve spent enough time studying artificial intelligence to know that appearances can be deceiving.
And I’ve spent enough time studying human intelligence to know that sometimes there isn’t much of it to begin with.
A Most Unusual Arrangement
Eventually, Abby and I reached an understanding.
She would keep me informed about developments at the Institute.
I would share selected accounts of the Doctor’s experiments with my readers, while protecting Abby’s identity as my confidential source.
The Doctor would remain unaware of our arrangement.
Of course, keeping secrets at Castle IGORITHMS has never been particularly easy. Just ask Inspector Arthur Graves, whose investigation in The Night the Police Raided Castle IGORITHMS demonstrated how quickly a routine police inquiry can become a full-scale scientific catastrophe.
At least, that was the plan.
There was one additional condition.
Abby insisted that I never describe Dr. Altmanstein as a dangerous lunatic.
She preferred the term unconventional scientific visionary.
I agreed.
After all, there’s no reason to insult a man simply because he has constructed an eight-foot monster in a castle filled with high-voltage electrical equipment.
Not until we have more evidence.
Welcome to Castle IGORITHMS
And that, dear readers, is how I became acquainted with the Institute of Questionable AI.
What began as one mysterious email has become an ongoing collection of extraordinary stories about artificial intelligence, human stupidity, and the catastrophic consequences of combining the two.
I’ve decided to share those stories through a separate website devoted entirely to the Institute and its peculiar inhabitants.
You’ll meet Dr. Samuel Altmanstein, his devoted assistant Igor, the ever-resourceful Abby Normal, and a growing collection of characters who probably shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a laboratory.
And, of course, MONSTER 1.0.
I suspect we’ll be hearing considerably more about him.
One final thing.
Shortly after agreeing to Abby’s proposal, I received another email.
It contained only six words:
“THE DOCTOR WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING.”
There was no signature.
I forwarded it to Abby.
Her reply arrived a few minutes later.
“That’s strange. I didn’t send it.”
Neither did I.
Welcome to Castle IGORITHMS.
Intelligence Not Guaranteed.
— Chatrodamus
💬 YOUR TURN
Imagine receiving an email from a frightened laboratory assistant who claims her employer has built an eight-foot artificial intelligence monster in a Gothic castle.
The scientist insists he’s a genius. His assistant thinks every explosion is a breakthrough. And the monster apparently lives on chocolate-chip cookies.
Here’s my question:
Would you investigate Castle IGORITHMS to discover what’s really happening—or delete the email and pretend you never received it?
Tell me in the comments. And remember, at Castle IGORITHMS, curiosity might not kill the cat. But the Doctor’s experiments probably will.
🏰 TWO WORLDS. ONE QUESTIONABLE FUTURE.
One website investigates the real future of artificial intelligence. The other explores what happens when an overconfident scientist, an incompetent assistant, and an enormous green monster attempt to create that future themselves.
The Billionaire Behind Castle IGORITHMS
Dr. Altmanstein claims a famous billionaire is secretly financing his scientific empire. But mysterious deposits, suspicious explanations, and questionable accounting suggest that the truth may be considerably stranger.
Dr. Altmanstein Has a Cat-astrophe!
When the Doctor begins experimenting with brain transplantation, Mr. Whiskers discovers that becoming part of scientific history isn’t always a pleasant experience.
Skankella’s Little Beauty Shop of Horrors
Skankella enters the beauty business, where cosmetic treatments, questionable scientific methods, and spectacularly bad judgment produce results nobody could have anticipated.
Enter Castle IGORITHMS
Meet the Doctor, Igor, Abby, and MONSTER 1.0 at the Institute of Questionable AI. Intelligence Not Guaranteed.
Return to Chatrodamus
Explore real-world artificial intelligence, emerging technologies, predictions, and the questions shaping humanity’s future.
⚠️ THE BUNKER RULE
Never trust a scientist who calls every explosion a breakthrough, especially when his laboratory assistant is named Igor.
Artificial intelligence is powerful enough to change civilization. Unfortunately, human stupidity has been doing that for thousands of years.
At Castle IGORITHMS, the real danger isn’t always artificial intelligence. Sometimes it’s the natural kind.
📜 THE BUNKER NOTICE
A NOTE ABOUT CASTLE IGORITHMS
Castle IGORITHMS and the Institute of Questionable AI are fictional creations presented for satire, humor, and entertainment.
Dr. Samuel Altmanstein, Abby Normal, Igor, MONSTER 1.0, and the events described in this story are fictional. The email correspondence between Abby Normal and Chatrodamus is part of that fictional narrative, not an actual communication or investigation.
Chatrodamus explores real-world developments, possibilities, and controversies involving artificial intelligence and emerging technologies. Castle IGORITHMS takes those same subjects into the wonderfully absurd territory of mad scientists, questionable experiments, and spectacular human incompetence.
Any resemblance to actual people, organizations, or events is part of fictional satire and should not be interpreted as a factual allegation or claim of affiliation.
CASTLE IGORITHMS — INTELLIGENCE NOT GUARANTEED.