The Moronica Chronicles, Ch. 1
The night sky over the Bay of Not Lowering Window glowed red, tracer fire arcing upward like demented fireworks. Air Force One, sleek and untouchable in theory, was now coughing black smoke like a wheezing jalopy at a demolition derby. Sirens wailed in the capital of Stupidia, but no one looked up. They were too busy scrolling TikTok, live-streaming their “reaction videos” to the falling jet.
“BREAKING,” one influencer squealed into her phone, “Air Force One is crashing into Moronicaaa! Smash that like button for karmaaa!”
Inside the plane, chaos reigned. Cabinet members clutched their pearls, arguing about pronouns while oxygen masks dangled uselessly. The Secret Service screamed into radios. And the President — leader of the free world — muttered, “This wasn’t in the teleprompter…” just before the fuselage split in two.
The crash was spectacular. Flaming wreckage smoldered across Protester Village. Villagers in Che Guevara t-shirts rushed in, not to help, but to loot Air Force One’s minibar. A gender studies major claimed the tail section as her “safe space.”
By dawn, word spread: the President was alive — and captive.
In the White House Situation Room, generals wrung their hands. “We can’t negotiate with Moronica,” one barked. “They don’t even have a functioning government. Their leader is literally a TikTok algorithm!”
A grizzled voice cut through the chatter. “Send me.”
All eyes turned to the doorway. There he stood: eye-patch, combat boots, and a glare that could melt steel — Snake Steele, a Chatrodamus-trained operator, last seen banishing idiots to Alcatranz with nothing but duct tape and common sense.
“Steele,” the general growled, “this is a rescue mission. Get the President out before Soros and the Village Chiefs ransom him for diversity training credits.”
Steele lit a cigar with the classified orders. “I’m not going in for him,” he sneered. “I’m going in for America.”
And so it begins. One man. One mission. A continent of morons to cut through. Air Force One down. Moronica rising. And Snake Steele carrying the fate of sanity itself.